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History of SKOB

as remembered by Zarnill

Many people have asked to be told the story of the Shadow Knights of Balthazar. As an elder mage they asked me, Zarnill to report what I remember of those days oh so long ago and record my memories to parchment.

Frankly, I think it’s a stupid idea. Most guilds were formed from the classic struggle between good and evil where good is “down and out” and still comes back to triumph over the dark forces of hell. This is not the case for SKOB. SKOB’s creation is a source of constant embarrassment and should be buried for all times sake. And as such the idea of recording the ‘so called story’ is, dumb.

I wasn’t asked to write our story because I’m some wise old wizard. My participation in recording the story stems solely from two facts. I was there and I was the only one sober enough to remember anything at all.

You would expect a guild to be created by the best and brightest. Alas, our story starts with three drunken morons in a tavern deep in the snowy mountains. Ah, so you’ve already guessed that the three were W/Mo’s and Shadow Knight One was there. Did you also know that Krotos, Satch and Schmack were there? Yes, that makes four, I can count! Sit down and listen; irritating youth.

In a tavern at Beacon’s Perch sat our ‘illustrious crew’ of four, plus me. I know you are wondering what a respectable wizard, Zarnill himself, would be doing associating with this crew at all. Simple, we were snowed it; snowed in for three weeks. After being confined to this “tavern” with these great fools I spent the next two years in the desert trying to forget, but that’s another story.

With little room at the various tables I had but little choice of whom to associate or even share a table with. Clearly, it is disquieting for a wizard to share a table. Wizards are generally reserved a table in the back, dark section of all taverns so they can look ominous and smoke large pipes (it’s a ‘smoking section’ obviously). Given a choice between sitting between what would become the SKOB crew and a group of molting Avicara, I of course decided to sit with the Avicara. Unfortunately, they didn’t like humans so I ended up between Shadow Knight One and Lord Krotos.

As the night dragged on Krotos and Shadow both boosted of escaping the torture of the blizzard by running to Camp Rankor. I wondered if the two realized Rankor is higher up in the mountains and probably worse off. I quashed that thought and reminded myself these were W/Mo’s. They aggroed field mice just walking to the restroom, and would know nothing of weather patterns.

The night dragged on and the liquor was consumed in ever greater quantities. After a few cases of Jack Daniels No. 9, the boasts grew more outrageous, dangerous and frankly stupid. Nobody had ever run from Beacons to Camp Rankor! It would take an army to move up the pass.

I myself finally grew tired, dropped a meteor storm on the unsuspecting Avicara and fell asleep on a nice bed of feathers (slightly singed). My sleep was not sound at all as my senses kept watch, my soul sensing danger and stupidity.

Waking the next morning I breached the front door to a somewhat sunny day, looked over at the gate to Deldrimore and promptly threw up. No, I had not been drinking as I stated earlier in my story when I stated “I was the only one sober” now sit down and listen! Now I made it clear at the beginning of this story this should not be repeated. You are the one reading this after being fairly warned.

The site of Satch, Krotos, Shadow Knight, and Schmack standing in the snow wearing nothing but a thong had overwhelmed my senses and disturbed my soul. The site of three hairy bottoms in thongs was, well too much. In my nausea I queried the barkeep who was one of perhaps 150 spectators as to what was happening. Apparently, during the night of wild boasting they had all agreed to not only run to Camp Rankor, but they were going to do it naked. They approached the town council that night to open the gate and were rejected as only an army would be permitted to go out in case the gate was charged when it was opened (finally someone in the story that made sense). In response Shadow Knight One responded by giving his name, rank and well, nothing really. He yelled “Shadow Knight….” And passed clean out on the floor. To which Krotos responded “… (slurring something)…… of Balthazar.” The town elders recorded the guild army as the “Shadow Knights of Balthazar” and agreed to open the gate (alas the only ones that had made sense turned out to be morons as well).

Off they went, naked charging into the wilds like a pack of wild dogs (no offence intended to our dog loving readers). I decided that at this point there was really no choice but to go invisible and follow at a distance. Distance not due to the wild agro, thrown axes, spears, shot arrows and tossed boulders, but due to the offensive view of actually being ‘behind’ the runners.

For hours they ran past odds that were impossible. For all their mania they turned out to be decent warriors, well at least runners. With icicles hanging from beards and ears and.. anyway, they made it.

Upon arrival they celebrated and wanted more Jack Daniels. Alas, they left their armor and money back at Beacons. Standing near dusk in ‘little’ to nothing they needed money fast. Schmack, the only non-moron of the bunch had enough of his predicament and decided to make a sound suggestion. “Borrow some weapons and kill a few beasts to make enough for the night” he declared. I thought to myself fine, they will at least survive the night and I turned to leave.

From behind me I felt a hand on my shoulder and could smell the stench of whiskey. I turned and saw Shadow Knight’s hand on my shoulder. As if things could not get worse for the four of them Shadow Knight spoke the most dreaded words that he can speak. Words that throw fear even in the heart of a powerful wizard such as me. He said “I have an idea.”

His request confounded me. He wanted a visual orb. A new spell from lands farther than even Cantha. Not even knowing how he would know of such a thing I made the simple device using air magic and handed it to him. The orb is simply used for communications between battle positions. What could he use it for? He cannot sell an orb could he?

Shadow Knight talked to the other three. Schmack turned a shade of red, walked over to a dwarf, took his axe and walked out the front door to do some hunting. I wondered what he was told so I ran over to him to ask. Wizards don’t “run over” to anyone like a school child looking for a ball. My undignified action was a result of my overwhelming curiosity.

Schmack simply said “I don’t know what he means by ‘Gladiators Gone Wild’ but I don’t think I want to know.” At that point I had enough and left. Years later I heard the three had purchased land by the oasis in the desert and were rather wealthy. Apparently, they were quite popular with the female dwarf population due to the males of the regions also being dwarfs which somewhat confused me. But their guild grew and they bought halls and equipment and eventually, I joined their band though I prefer to stay with the more dignified members of SKOB.

Those are my memories of the formation of SKOB.

ONE YEAR LATER:

Deep in the desert I slogged through the heavy sands near Seekers. This was not my first time here. As a younger wizard I struggled as many had before to ascend. At the time I had felt the desert weigh heavily upon me enhancing the suffering of the quests to ascension. Now, the desert seemed to calm my nerves and push away the hated memories of snow and stupid warriors. But, alas, the great fabric of the universe had other plans for me.

I stopped at a place called “Hero’s Audience” where I came upon a monk named Woman Monk. I noticed she had nothing but her tattoos and a sack. I offered her water. She looked at me and said she had plenty and was with her friends behind the tent. I walked around the corner of the tent and the serenity, solitude, heat, and silence of the desert melted away and the nightmares were back. There stood Schmack, Shadow, and someone I had not seen before a young man who looked suspicions to me. Considering the company, even the High Priestess of Lyss would look suspicious to me. They stood around a table littered with bottles of black cherry vodka, tequila, and three year old loaves of fruitcake.

Shadow stood dancing with excitement as this new comer who I learned was named T-Bird explained the joys of the Tombs. With glee he explained how tomb robbing was such great fun with treasures and mummified bodies. T-Bird had made a fortune in gold and items in the Tomb of the Primeval Kings but his industriousness knew no bounds. Apparently, he had started importing the mummies, grinding them up and started a line of “Bird King’s Fertilizer” Limited Liability Corporation. I envisioned ground up dead people fertilizing gardens from Vabbi to the Ascalonian lettuce farms. I wonder how many finger bones ended up in salads. Shadow kept bouncing around until finally I said “Shadow, go pee.” He said he didn’t have to.

Woman Monk suggested we all get sleep for our journey to Augury rock since the sun had set several hours ago. Rather presumptuous to assume that I would go with them. I had other plans and wanted to part company with them as soon as possible. As I strode away Shadow bellowed “gotta pee now!” followed by screaming in the dark. I could not see what happened but I knew the night was about to become long and undignified.

The local chief in a rage, sword drawn, sent us all fleeing the encampment.(I guess he assumed I was part of the group). As we ran Woman Monk asked Shadow “what exactly made you think it was a good idea to pee through an open flap of a tent? Any reason you picked the Chief’s daughters tent?” Shadow replied “I thought it was T-Birds tent, I saw him go in there several times during the day when nobody was around.” Woman Monk glowered at the two of them as we fled for our lives.

Highly motivated by angry nomads, griffons, and hungry giraffe sized insects we arrived at Augury Rock in what I consider record time. Arriving slightly after dawn we approached the nearly empty outpost. I was surprised by the few people there and asked the local ghostly merchant about the lack of populous. He said “Trial for foreigners at the rock.” The team, of which I was clearly not apart, decided to sleep and began to unpack. A nearby merchant said “Yup, violated decency laws she did, darn near naked she was.” Schmack, T-Bird and Shadow re-packed and headed to the judiciary rock as fast as we had fled the night before. As a wizard I don’t “sleep in public” as a matter of fact have you ever heard of any story where the wizard sleeps? So I followed.

We approached the crowd of ghostly figures perched on a sandy hill. Below two, live, figures stood; two women. I noticed the necromancer at once. She was attractive, obviously skilled and very dangerous. I would keep an eye on her lest her dark magic prove a threat. To her right stood a ranger in regal, elite ranger gear from the snowy peeks of the dwarven kingdom.

The ghostly visage began: “Gaine of Cabadios you have been charged with indecent exposure and corrupting the youth of the Augury” At which point I saw just the hint of a smile cross the necromancers face, but for only an instant. Clearly, she was enjoying this. “Gaine of Cabadios do you deny this?” to which she replied “First, there are no youth here; you are all thousands of years old and frankly, you’re all dead. So what’s the big deal? You never saw a ranger before?”

The necromancer spoke: “Your honor, I, Countess Succubus represent this ranger. I assure you she has always dressed this way traveling hundreds of leagues in front of hundreds spectators with out a single complaint…. about her clothing.” The crowd gasped at the revelation. She cleared her throat to continue (I swear she did that to cover a near uncontrollable laugh that almost escaped her). “Besides your honor what could these possibly do to cause harm to your society” and in one motion she undid Gain’s clasp, had it not been for her ranger reflexes her top would have gone fluttering to the ground. Gaine looked with great irritation at the necromancer, Shadow fell to his knees mumbling something about ‘so close’, as the judge raised his arms in rage and spoke. “Both of your insolence and the behavior of the living in general have worn our patience thin. Guards purge Augury of the living.”

Countess touched her chin and put her other hand on Gain’s shoulder and with a strange calmness said “Sister, it is time to run.” The chase was on. I turned around to see what the SKOB crew was doing and all I saw was the backs of their heads as they passed away over the first dune.

I turned to look back and the tidal wave of ghostly figures pouring up the hill at me some 15 meters away. Now, we have established there are things wizards do and do not do. We get our own tables in the backs of dark inns, we do not share time or tables with warriors, we do use magic to solve our problems and we do not run. I will share a little, insignificant secret with you. We don’t run not because of the indignity, but because we suck at it.

The air burned, the meteors dropped and the sand turned to glass from the heat. Upon retrospect I consider this a public service. Though Augury rock no longer trades in rare scrolls, dyes or materials many souls who suffered for thousands of years were ‘put to final rest.’

Two groups of foot prints headed off into the desert then met again some three kilometers away from Augury Rock. Empty beer bottles, black cherry vodka containers, food wrappers, and other less pleasant indicators made an easy trail to follow to the port city of Amnoon Oasis.

That night I sat at a proper wizard table in the eerie darkness at the back of the inn, smoking my pipe and looking dangerous. Shadow, Schmack, Woman Monk, Gaine, T Bird and Countess sat laughing and drinking at a table across the way taking life far too frivolously. At some point Woman Monk knocked over the last bottle of black cherry vodka. T Bird began to cry and all looked in silent shock at the loss. Gaine said “No worries my friends I had Shadow carry two bottles of tequila. Everyone turned to Shadow who looked a mite confused. “They were to heavy to carry in the desert so I drank them both.” The group glowered at him recalling how they had to carry him the last 2 kilometers to the Oasis. They continued to drink the ale which was plentiful at the inn.

After an hour or so I strode over to their table and looked upon the barely conscious crew (note: I did not ‘walk’ to the table, wizards ‘stride’ and use other more dignified terms that are identical to mundane actions while sounding cool) and spoke to them in my best wizard’s tone of voice: “You lot have been tossed from every village, city, inn, outpost, harbor city and every civilized place you’ve traveled too. Spend some times looking inward and seek truth.

Next morning I saw them packing a large amount of supplies at the docks. I figured at this point I’m cursed by all six gods to keep running into them at every single turn. Perhaps my destiny is linked to them because of some great undone task. Woman Monk yelled to me “Zarnill, over here.” I walked to her and she continued “You were right, we have been wasting our time so we sought out truth and we found him.” “Him?” I replied. She looked at me funny and yelled down the gangplank, “YO, TRUTH.” A young rogue waved back.

I stood aghast. What do I say? I told them to seek truth and they found a guy who happened to be in Amnoon Oasis named Truth? “Truth told us there was a grave risk of the world being destroyed by titans. He ‘borrowed’ a book called the Necronomicon and if we use its power at the top of the volcano it will stop the titans. Zarnill, we’ve decided to do something important. Come with us.”

I boarded the ship clearly of Canthan design and we headed out to sea. Curious I asked Schmack, where was the crew? “Down below of course.” I had a bad feeling but, I was with SKOB so I was getting used to feeling bad, smelling like liquor, running for my life and generally being undignified. I walked down the hatch into the hold and saw Woman Monk throwing out box after box supplies as the tied up crew and what appeared to be a Canthan Minister pleaded for her not to toss out the cure for the plague that had just started at Kaineng.

Woman Monk said, “Can’t understand a word of their language” as she tossed the last case overboard. “Well we have enough room for my collection of black cherry vodka.” Any objection from me would have been irrelevant since the precious cargo was rapidly sinking to the bottom of the sea so I responded “So glad to hear that. I’m sure they didn’t really need all those boxes of plague medicines.” To which she responded by cracking open yet another bottle of the foul liquid.

Two weeks later we reached the fire islands. Fire Islands are a nasty smelly place. Anyone who had spent anytime on them will vividly remember the smell of sulfur and hydra poop. I stayed behind seeing no reason to burden myself with a half days march up the volcano. It’s not like this was some complex undertaking that required the skills of a wizard. I got some cloth from out Canthan prisoners and made a hammock. After all, with the heat from the volcano they didn’t really need clothing anyway. Truth stayed behind too because as an assassin he was unable to get a group.

SKOB prepared to go up the summit with minimal supplies and heavy armaments. T-Bird handed the book to Shadow and said “When you get to the top read from page 121 the ‘words’ Klatuu Veratee Nectu. These words will seal the rift. Saying them wrong will rend the last enchantments freeing the titans. Shadow replied ‘yea words’ as he stared admiringly at his axe lovingly marked #5 on the hilt. The group soon departed up the slopes.

A day passed and I figured they were all dead. I spent a moment considering if that would bother me or perhaps even be beneficial to the world. I sighed, reminding myself of the criticality of their endeavor.

If alive they should be approaching the summit soon. Truth asked if I thought they had a chance to succeed (he was still here still having been unable to find a group). I said “All they have to do is fight their way to the volcano summit, reach the seal and read the words from the Necronomicon to close the gate. What could be so hard about that?

I lowered my tall pointy, leather, worn, wizard hat over my brow and lay back in my hammock to relax. Truth kind of snickered. “What’s so funny boy?” To which he responded “Well, you don’t actually think any of them can read do you?”

You know that cold sweat that washes over your body when you know something really bad is about to happen? It hardly had a chance for it to make it to my toes when a great rumbling occurred. From a distance I could see pinpoints of molten glowing rock moving in an organized fashion down the mountain. All Shadow had to do was say “Klatuu Veratee Nectu” and… and…

I dashed to the boat with Truth and we set sail. We arrived in Cantha a month later. About a week after that I heard SKOB had actually survived.

In SKOBs short history, we had managed to humiliate ourselves in front of the dwarven kingdom, begin Armageddon by releasing the titans, caused the plague in Cantha and destroy the hopes of millions. All this was done before they had a full guild hall.

My story is done. More has happened but the nightmares are more frequent the more I write. Flee this place, flee this guild. Save yourselves!